I realize that I have been neglecting this blog in favor of others both for myself and for my character. I don't feel that I can really post honestly to this blog anymore. At least not about important things.

I have been kind of depressed and sad lately. I have also had moments of great joy. I am living on an emotional rollercoaster but none of the emotions are really mine. Nothing is really mine, not even my tears. I don't know why I get involved in things that I can't fix. I don't know why I need so much control. If there is one thing I have learned in the past month it is that you can only live vicariously through others for so long and then it stops making you happy and only makes you jealous. I don't want to be jealous, I just want to be happy. I want everyone to be happy. but I can't have what I want.

I am sorry i haven't been posting. I am sorry I have been kind of a flake. I am sorry I don't know what I really want or how to get it.