Of all bad days...

Yesterday was a bad day. I am better today. Life is no longer overwhelming, but for those of you who tried to talk to me yesterday, this is what I was feeling. I wrote this out after a friend that I didn't know I had offered me some help. Thank you, everyone who tried to make it better even when you didn't know what it was.

I was too ashamed because I didn't know WHY.
And They wouldn't understand-- how could They know why?
So I hid the Secrets in a box lined with leaden secret tears
and dug a deep dark hole to hide my Trouble in.
and when the hole was deep enough and dark enough to swallow up a star,
I dropped the secret box inside and tried to hear it fall away.
But I leaned in Just a little too close and slid in down the wall.
I'd dug my hole too well, it seems, and now I'm stuck inside
the walls are far too steep and slick for me to climb my way outside.
Alone in the dark with secrets and most of me still outside.
She won't come back to help me. She doesn't know We're here
because I kept my dearest secret just a little bit too dear.
She doesn't know I dug the hole. She's never seen the box. She just goes on living without knowing part of us is lost.
I sit alone in darkness, lonely and afraid. So lonely that I peek inside the lead lined box I've made.
But when I open up the lid I learn, much to my dismay, that my dark secret has grown wings and quickly flown away.
What shoud I do? Where should I go? I'm stuck here in this hole.
And she out there is unsuspecting -- trying not to know.
I try to call it back and tempt it with new friends, but that dark secret turned and laughed
and flapped it's way along. It went right up to Them and sang its little song.
And They went up to Her and blamed her for it all.
But no one sees me sitting here inside my dark deep hole.
No one sees me wishing for the chances that time stole.
No one saw me hiding here and crying out my heart.
No one sees me now and it is all my fault.
No one saw me til today when she put out a line, and not knowing we were different, He thought that it was mine.
At first I tried to snub it -- I deserved to get my due, but then he mentioned others like YOU and YOU and YOU
Who were in this hole here with me because I had put You all there. He told me he could pull me out if I'd give him my hand
But I don't know why he should after what I've done to Him.
I don't know why you all stay here inside my deep dark hole. I don't know why you'd throw your line when the hole I'm in is mine.
It's me who lied to everyone, It's me who isn't good. It's me who can't control Herself and me who won't do as I should.
It is my fault -- don't you understand? It's my own fault I'm in this hole and I have to get me out.
It is my fault that you don't know who I really am and my fault that i can't tell you.
It is my fault that I don't know why I suddenly can't do it. It's me who doesn't want to and It's me who just can't do it and It is me who hurts and screams when You all say I can.
Why do you believe in me? How is it you can't see
That no matter what I do or say that makes you think I'm real--It's just an act!
It is just an act to make you think that I can think and feel
It is all just pantomime, just going through the motions to make you all believe that I would never let you down.
How you see me's what's important, not who I really am.
You're all the important ones that must stay safe from who I am.
That's why I build Illusions. That's why the masquerade. that's why i don't say a thing,
Without thinking what you'd say.
So thank you for your caring, but I'm not who you're trying to save.
All you know is the illusion and there nothing left of that to save.
The projector has been broken, smashed to bits by tiny wings.
The screen was made of secrets that have been burned away by lies. The illusion is all gone now.
Just me inside this hole, and Her, sitting in a corner- pretending it's not real,
half believing it will go away, that this isn't pain we feel.
It's my fault that she is like this. My fault she doesn't know what's real and what's illusion;
What we do and do not feel. It's my fault the Good one ran away; my fault we're in this mess.
I toldher she should try to live, should give herself a rest.
I said that she just works too hard. I told her to relax. I didn't expect her to just leave
Leave us to do the work that she had always done. I was just waiting for her to come back home
when she had had her fun. But she never did and that is why I didn't do it all.
It isn't that I couldn't, I just didn't and that's all. I didn't know she did so much; I didn't know we could.
I didn't have the heart to ask her to help me too. So I left her to her pretty games and lovely, silly books,
But she asked for a lot more time and a lot more time she took.
I didn't have the heart to tell her even that She'd left, and so she didn't realize it till all my secrets left.
Then she broke down and talked to Him and now I'm all that's left. Just me the quiet sneaky one,
Because the Smart one left, and the Pretty one just rocks and rocks and pretends we've never wept.
It's only me who's left in here and I'm not the one who cares!
I'm not the one who laid the paths. I don't know how to care! I don't know how to do her job! I don't know how to laugh!
I don't know how to live our life all by myself like this.
So if she and she can't help me and I can't do it alone, I suppose I'll have to do what He told me on the phone.
I'll have to ask you all for help and I have to do it soon, Before She comes back home and sees what I have done.
Before she wakes from her pretty dreams and sees what I have done. I will do it right this time, for Them and for my Self.